With the NBA season getting underway, you won’t even be able to go to your favorite granny porn website without finding a season preview. Everyone and their retarded half-brother has an opinion about how the season will turn out. We all know who’s good. The Lakers will be back among the best. The Celtics are sure to join them. The Cavs, Magic, and Spurs all have improved rosters as well. This much we know. But sometimes it just isn’t enough to measure success by how good a team is. Sometimes, you need to take into account just how miserable the others are in order to get a full understanding of the league. Sometimes, one team’s incompetence is just as important as another team’s greatness. Without further adieu, here are the NBA’s worst teams, starting at the bottom (or top?):
The Cream of the Crop:
1 San Antonio Spurs
BORRRRRRING! There’s no drama. No lunatics. Everyone is professional and everyone gets along. No surprises. Tim Duncan is a robot and will average at least 20-10 for the 32nd year in a row. The Spurs will probably end up disappointing everyone. And by that, I mean they’ll probably win the championship and disappoint anyone that wanted to see any excitement.
2 Los Angeles Lakers
The defending champs come right back this year with almost the same roster. The big difference is they lost good-guy, hustle-player Trevor Ariza and replaced him with the guy responsible for this and this. And this is supposed to be a good thing? (PS: Ron’s wearing number 37 this year in honor of the number of weeks Thriller was #1 on the charts. FYI.)
3 Boston Celtics
Now THIS is a crazy team! Kevin Garnett is a psychopath, Rasheed Wallace is a sociopath, Paul Pierce is quietly one of the most gutter players in the league (he did get stabbed in the back, neck and face 11 times and played just over 2 weeks later), Rajon Rondo is some sort of alien creature who doesn’t get along with his team, Kendrick Perkins is considered the most hated player league-wide because of his illogically large ego, and Marquis Daniels is one Styrofoam cup away from being Lil' Wayne. I can just picture Ray Allen crying in the corner of the locker-room after every practice. Oh, if only Stephon Marbury was still around.
4 Cleveland Cavaliers
True, they do have Shaq and Lebron, which could be enough to be the best team in the league. But their starting Power Forward is Sideshow Bob, and last season’s starting Shooting Guard was arrested this off-season for possession of three guns, including a machine gun, and for domestic violence in the same two-week span.
5 Orlando Magic
On paper, everything looks great for Orlando. Off paper, their title hopes rely on Vince Carter. THE Vince Carter. If history has shown us anything, it’s that this is not a good thing.
The Borderline Contenders:
6 Denver Nuggets
Watch out for another above-average George Karl team in Denver. They’re a ‘good’ team but just can’t seem to make that jump to ‘great’.
7 Portland Trailblazers
Looks as thought 21-year old Benjamin Button is finally ready to play this year. The Andre Miller signing still makes no sense whatsoever, though, and there appears to be too much young talent and not enough minutes to go around. I’m not sold on the Blazers. Everyone is on the bandwagon, and you know what happens when the bandwagon gets too crowded. It usually breaks.
8 Utah Jazz
The Mormons are right back at it for 09-10. Their biggest problem last season was the logjam at Power Forward. They had the young and promising Paul Millsap and the semi-all-star, yet disgruntled, Carlos Boozer. Luckily both players’ contracts were up this summer so the dilemma could be solved. What did Utah do? Re-sign both. Nice.
9 Atlanta Hawks
Atlanta actually has a good young team. Too bad nobody gets to witness it.
10 Dallas Mavericks
First and foremost, check out Dirk’s fancy new haircut. I wouldn’t be too scared of a team whose best player looks more like Uma Thurman than a basketball player. Looking at the rest of the roster; their starting point guard is 36 years old and has a pot belly, their starting 2-Guard is an admitted pot-head and hates his country, their starting Small Forward is considered an All-Star but actually hasn’t been good since 2007 (which was 3 teams ago) and nobody seems to notice, and their starting Center is Erik Dampier which says enough just in itself. You tell me if this team can win a title.
11 Washington Wizards
Hibatchi is back! Agent Zero has returned! Well, sort of… On a side note, Forward Caron Butler lost almost 15 pounds this summer by quitting his worst addiction. What is that, you ask? I’ll let him explain: “To try and give this up was crazy for me! I was going through withdrawals. I was in the bed sweating. My wife would turn over in the bed and ask, "Are you OK?" Honestly, those first two weeks without The [Mountain] Dew were the roughest two weeks of my life. I'm talking headaches, sweats and everything. Before that I drank at least six 12-ounce Mountain Dews a day.”
The ‘Almost Good/Worse Than You Think’ Division:
12 Chicago Bulls
They’ve got style!
13 Phoenix Suns
So back in 03’-04’, Phoenix had a core of just Amare and Nash. Apparently that wasn’t enough to get to the next level, so they tried a bunch of different projects in hopes of making the jump. A few years and a couple All-Star’s later, we’re back to just Amare and Nash. Unfortunately, it still isn’t enough.
14 Houston Rockets
Houston is a good team with literally no good players. We’ll see if that translates into wins this season. On the bright side, this guy is starting at Center with Yao out for the year.
15 Philadelphia 76ers
Being a run-and-gun team without any real Point Guard on the roster is a good thing, right? ... What?
16 Oklahoma City Thunder
The Thunder are making all the right moves. They’re young, they’re talented, and they should just get better as the years go on. Although, they’re options at Center are this guy, this guy, or this guy.
17 Miami Heat
It’s amazing how much things can change in a year. Coming into last season, Mike Beasley was talking about being MVP of the league as a rookie. One year later, and he’s starting his sophomore year fresh out of rehab.
18 New Orleans Hornets
My absolute favorite storyline heading into the season: Emeka Okafor refusing to do what he gets paid for. According to reports, the team doctors cleared Okafor to play almost three weeks ago and his personal doctor cleared him for action over two weeks ago. Yet, for some strange reason, Emeka claims that he isn’t ready to return and still needs time. His teammates are starting to get really upset with his apparent dis-interest in the team. And this is their big off-season acquisition.
19 Toronto Raptors
Jose Calderon, Andrea Bargnani, Marco Belinelli, Rasho Nesterovic, and Hedo Turkoglu. Is this a basketball team or a European mail-order-husband conglomerate?
The ‘Stuck in Mediocrity’ Division:
20 Los Angeles Clippers
I can say a whole lot about Blake Griffin’s knee, B.Diddy’s fitness, Chris Kaman’s face, or any one of the countless other stories out of LA’s other team. When it boils down to it, though, the Clippers are the Clippers. The rest is just filler.
21 Memphis Grizzlies
Between Rudy Gay, OrangeJuice Mayonnaise, Mike Conley, and the additions of Zach Randolph and Allen Iverson, shots are going to be fought over in Memphis more than land in Gaza. They have enough talent to scare some teams, and they might score 120 a game. Only thing is their opponents will score 140. And the point of the game is basically to score more than your opponent.
22 Detroit Pistons
Last season Detroit traded away their Point Guard and team leader Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson, whose biggest highlight while in Detroit was getting banned from two casinos. Meanwhile, Billups turned around the Nuggets and led them to the Western Conference Finals. According to the people in charge, it was going to be all worth it because they freed up a ton of cap room. Well what did the Pistons do with that excess dough? They went out this summer and inked up streaky 6th-man Ben Gordon and the inconsistent, hair-less Charlie Villanueva. Really? That’s what you blow up a former championship team for?
23 Charlotte Bobcats
Michael Jordan is their President of Player Operations. That means he pretty much is in charge of who’s on the roster. Good thing, right? Wrong! When do you think is the last time he went in to the office? If I worked for the Bobcats, I would definitely park in Jordan’s executive parking spot, ‘cause really, nobody else is going to use it.
24 New Jersey Nets
A 6 foot 9 Russian billionaire just bought the team. I’m so excited to see what Ivan Drago has planned for his post-boxing career.
25 New York Knicks
Where to start? First off, the Knick’s biggest problem is lack of anyone on the team with any sort of skill in basketball. Second is their lack of any sort of proven-winner or good-chemistry type of guy. Thirdly, they are paying 13.7 million dollars this season to the person that inspired this site. Seriously. Should I keep going? Really, I don’t mind. Alright, fine, I’ll leave it alone.
The WNBA division:
26 Golden State Warriors
The Warriors are literally the most dysfunctional team in the NBA. They’ll win some games strictly off of talent alone, but with scotch-loving Don Nelson at the helm running the team like a mad scientist, the Warriors are destined to fall apart early and often. What’s the over/under on amount of times we see Anthony Randolph crying while sulking on the bench this season? I put it at 15.5.
27 Indiana Pacers
Jamaal Tinsley gets 5.2 million dollars this year and 5.5 million next year just to stay away from the team. You know you’re a good guy when. As long as their players aren’t running into the stands to fight fans or shooting people at strip clubs anymore, the Pacers seem to be happy just losing with crappy white guys. They’ve got Mike Dunleavy, Travis Diener, Jeff Foster, Tyler Hansbrough, Josh McRoberts, and Troy Murphy. Rule #1 to basketball: you don’t win with white.
28 Minnesota T’Wolves
Kurt Rambis, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Theus. No, that’s not a list of the contestants on the 1988 NBA-edition of Wheel-of-Fortune, that’s the T’Wolves coaching staff. The real problem? Those three wash-ups are still better than anyone on Minnesota’s roster. Oh, and Brian Cardinal, the out-of-shape, slow white guy who averaged a whopping 3 points and 2 rebounds last year, is going to make about 6.7 million dollars more than you this year.
29 Milwaukee Bucks
One of the worst #1 picks of the decade + a franchise player who doesn’t care and is past his prime + a flashy, cocky, New-York-bred rookie Point Guard + Scott Skiles AKA Hitler of the sidelines = an interesting season in Milwaukee. Thank god it’s the beer capitol of the nation.
30 Sacramento Kings
The doormat of the NBA! Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re 2010-2011 Las Vegas Kings!
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