2009-2010 NBA SEASON

With the NBA season getting underway, you won’t even be able to go to your favorite granny porn website without finding a season preview. Everyone and their retarded half-brother has an opinion about how the season will turn out. We all know who’s good. The Lakers will be back among the best. The Celtics are sure to join them. The Cavs, Magic, and Spurs all have improved rosters as well. This much we know. But sometimes it just isn’t enough to measure success by how good a team is. Sometimes, you need to take into account just how miserable the others are in order to get a full understanding of the league. Sometimes, one team’s incompetence is just as important as another team’s greatness. Without further adieu, here are the NBA’s worst teams, starting at the bottom (or top?):

The Cream of the Crop:

1 San Antonio Spurs

BORRRRRRING! There’s no drama. No lunatics. Everyone is professional and everyone gets along. No surprises. Tim Duncan is a robot and will average at least 20-10 for the 32^nd year in a row. The Spurs will probably end up disappointing everyone. And by that, I mean they’ll probably win the championship and disappoint anyone that wanted to see any excitement.

2 Los Angeles Lakers

The defending champs come right back this year with almost the same roster. The big difference is they lost good-guy, hustle-player Trevor Ariza and replaced him with the guy responsible for this and this. And this is supposed to be a good thing? (PS: Ron’s wearing number 37 this year in honor of the number of weeks Thriller was #1 on the charts. FYI.)

3 Boston Celtics

Now THIS is a crazy team! Kevin Garnett is a psychopath, Rasheed Wallace is a sociopath, Paul Pierce is quietly one of the most gutter players in the league (he did get stabbed in the back, neck and face 11 times and played just over 2 weeks later), Rajon Rondo is some sort of alien creature who doesn’t get along with his team, Kendrick Perkins is considered the most hated player league-wide because of his illogically large ego, and Marquis Daniels is one Styrofoam cup away from being Lil' Wayne. I can just picture Ray Allen crying in the corner of the locker-room after every practice. Oh, if only Stephon Marbury was still around.

4 Cleveland Cavaliers

True, they do have Shaq and Lebron, which could be enough to be the best team in the league. But their starting Power Forward is Sideshow Bob, and last season’s starting Shooting Guard was arrested this off-season for possession of three guns, including a machine gun, and for domestic violence in the same two-week span.

5 Orlando Magic

On paper, everything looks great for Orlando. Off paper, their title hopes rely on Vince Carter. THE Vince Carter. If history has shown us anything, it’s that this is not a good thing.

The Borderline Contenders:

6 Denver Nuggets

Watch out for another above-average George Karl team in Denver. They’re a ‘good’ team but just can’t seem to make that jump to ‘great’.

7 Portland Trailblazers

Looks as thought 21-year old Benjamin Button is finally ready to play this year. The Andre Miller signing still makes no sense whatsoever, though, and there appears to be too much young talent and not enough minutes to go around. I’m not sold on the Blazers. Everyone is on the bandwagon, and you know what happens when the bandwagon gets too crowded. It usually breaks.

8 Utah Jazz

The Mormons are right back at it for 09-10. Their biggest problem last season was the logjam at Power Forward. They had the young and promising Paul Millsap and the semi-all-star, yet disgruntled, Carlos Boozer. Luckily both players’ contracts were up this summer so the dilemma could be solved. What did Utah do? Re-sign both. Nice.

9 Atlanta Hawks

Atlanta actually has a good young team. Too bad nobody gets to witness it.

10 Dallas Mavericks

First and foremost, check out Dirk’s fancy new haircut. I wouldn’t be too scared of a team whose best player looks more like Uma Thurman than a basketball player. Looking at the rest of the roster; their starting point guard is 36 years old and has a pot belly, their starting 2-Guard is an admitted pot-head and hates his country, their starting Small Forward is considered an All-Star but actually hasn’t been good since 2007 (which was 3 teams ago) and nobody seems to notice, and their starting Center is Erik Dampier which says enough just in itself. You tell me if this team can win a title.

11 Washington Wizards

Hibatchi is back! Agent Zero has returned! Well, sort of… On a side note, Forward Caron Butler lost almost 15 pounds this summer by quitting his worst addiction. What is that, you ask? I’ll let him explain: “To try and give this up was crazy for me! I was going through withdrawals. I was in the bed sweating. My wife would turn over in the bed and ask, "Are you OK?" Honestly, those first two weeks without The [Mountain] Dew were the roughest two weeks of my life. I'm talking headaches, sweats and everything. Before that I drank at least six 12-ounce Mountain Dews a day.”

The ‘Almost Good/Worse Than You Think’ Division:

12 Chicago Bulls

They’ve got style!

13 Phoenix Suns

So back in 03’-04’, Phoenix had a core of just Amare and Nash. Apparently that wasn’t enough to get to the next level, so they tried a bunch of different projects in hopes of making the jump. A few years and a couple All-Star’s later, we’re back to just Amare and Nash. Unfortunately, it still isn’t enough.

14 Houston Rockets

Houston is a good team with literally no good players. We’ll see if that translates into wins this season. On the bright side, this guy is starting at Center with Yao out for the year.

15 Philadelphia 76ers

Being a run-and-gun team without any real Point Guard on the roster is a good thing, right? ... What?

16 Oklahoma City Thunder

The Thunder are making all the right moves. They’re young, they’re talented, and they should just get better as the years go on. Although, they’re options at Center are this guy, this guy, or this guy.

17 Miami Heat

It’s amazing how much things can change in a year. Coming into last season, Mike Beasley was talking about being MVP of the league as a rookie. One year later, and he’s starting his sophomore year fresh out of rehab.

18 New Orleans Hornets

My absolute favorite storyline heading into the season: Emeka Okafor refusing to do what he gets paid for. According to reports, the team doctors cleared Okafor to play almost three weeks ago and his personal doctor cleared him for action over two weeks ago. Yet, for some strange reason, Emeka claims that he isn’t ready to return and still needs time. His teammates are starting to get really upset with his apparent dis-interest in the team. And this is their big off-season acquisition.

19 Toronto Raptors

Jose Calderon, Andrea Bargnani, Marco Belinelli, Rasho Nesterovic, and Hedo Turkoglu. Is this a basketball team or a European mail-order-husband conglomerate?

The ‘Stuck in Mediocrity’ Division:

20 Los Angeles Clippers

I can say a whole lot about Blake Griffin’s knee, B.Diddy’s fitness, Chris Kaman’s face, or any one of the countless other stories out of LA’s other team. When it boils down to it, though, the Clippers are the Clippers. The rest is just filler.

21 Memphis Grizzlies

Between Rudy Gay, OrangeJuice Mayonnaise, Mike Conley, and the additions of Zach Randolph and Allen Iverson, shots are going to be fought over in Memphis more than land in Gaza. They have enough talent to scare some teams, and they might score 120 a game. Only thing is their opponents will score 140. And the point of the game is basically to score more than your opponent.

22 Detroit Pistons

Last season Detroit traded away their Point Guard and team leader Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson, whose biggest highlight while in Detroit was getting banned from two casinos. Meanwhile, Billups turned around the Nuggets and led them to the Western Conference Finals. According to the people in charge, it was going to be all worth it because they freed up a ton of cap room. Well what did the Pistons do with that excess dough? They went out this summer and inked up streaky 6^th-man Ben Gordon and the inconsistent, hair-less Charlie Villanueva. Really? That’s what you blow up a former championship team for?

23 Charlotte Bobcats

Michael Jordan is their President of Player Operations. That means he pretty much is in charge of who’s on the roster. Good thing, right? Wrong! When do you think is the last time he went in to the office? If I worked for the Bobcats, I would definitely park in Jordan’s executive parking spot, ‘cause really, nobody else is going to use it.

24 New Jersey Nets

A 6 foot 9 Russian billionaire just bought the team. I’m so excited to see what Ivan Drago has planned for his post-boxing career.

25 New York Knicks

Where to start? First off, the Knick’s biggest problem is lack of anyone on the team with any sort of skill in basketball. Second is their lack of any sort of proven-winner or good-chemistry type of guy. Thirdly, they are paying 13.7 million dollars this season to the person that inspired this site. Seriously. Should I keep going? Really, I don’t mind. Alright, fine, I’ll leave it alone.

The WNBA division:

26 Golden State Warriors

The Warriors are literally the most dysfunctional team in the NBA. They’ll win some games strictly off of talent alone, but with scotch-loving Don Nelson at the helm running the team like a mad scientist, the Warriors are destined to fall apart early and often. What’s the over/under on amount of times we see Anthony Randolph crying while sulking on the bench this season? I put it at 15.5.

27 Indiana Pacers

Jamaal Tinsley gets 5.2 million dollars this year and 5.5 million next year just to stay away from the team. You know you’re a good guy when. As long as their players aren’t running into the stands to fight fans or shooting people at strip clubs anymore, the Pacers seem to be happy just losing with crappy white guys. They’ve got Mike Dunleavy, Travis Diener, Jeff Foster, Tyler Hansbrough, Josh McRoberts, and Troy Murphy. Rule #1 to basketball: you don’t win with white.

28 Minnesota T’Wolves

Kurt Rambis, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Theus. No, that’s not a list of the contestants on the 1988 NBA-edition of Wheel-of-Fortune, that’s the T’Wolves coaching staff. The real problem? Those three wash-ups are still better than anyone on Minnesota’s roster. Oh, and Brian Cardinal, the out-of-shape, slow white guy who averaged a whopping 3 points and 2 rebounds last year, is going to make about 6.7 million dollars more than you this year.

29 Milwaukee Bucks

One of the worst #1 picks of the decade + a franchise player who doesn’t care and is past his prime + a flashy, cocky, New-York-bred rookie Point Guard + Scott Skiles AKA Hitler of the sidelines = an interesting season in Milwaukee. Thank god it’s the beer capitol of the nation.

30 Sacramento Kings

The doormat of the NBA! Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re 2010-2011 Las Vegas Kings!

The NBA, where amazing happens! (They use the term loosely)

The Phenom

September 14th, 2001- It’s Friday night. The team stands in the tunnel set to take the field. The fans are in their seats, the opposing home team is warming up, and the lights are blaring. It might seem like just another high school football game in the small Ohio town of Akron, but the people in attendance have no idea what they’re about to witness.

Although it looks like a bunch of high school kids, there is one in particular that stands out from the rest. As he huddles with the team prior to the game, his number 23 jersey glistening in the lights, he resonates the rare mix of talent, athleticism and confidence that makes him such a local legend and leaves little to wonder why all the scouts are drooling over him.

He is a receiver, St.Vincent St.Mary High School’s star player. He can run like the wind, evident by a 4.5 40-yard dash time. He can jump out of the arena, shown by his 44” vertical leap. He runs, he jumps, he catches, he’s smart, he even blocks the occasional field goal, makes the odd monstrous run-block, and best of all, he’s a media darling. Oh, and get this, this 16-year old is 6 foot 7 and weighs 227 pounds. You can pick your jaw up off the floor now. One scout in the audience breaks it down by saying “he’s got the skill set of Randy Moss, with the strength and power of Michael Strahan, all in the body of Kevin Garnett.”

Last season, his first year of organized football, he led the team with about 40 receptions and over 700 yards while still learning and getting better practically every game. He was also named a First-Team All-State selection in the process. This year, after a summer of training and with a better understanding of the game, the kid is set to dominate.

The game starts and number 23 is a difference-maker from the get-go. Although he has the blinding speed to blow past practically anyone, he focuses more on short-yardage passes that turn into longer gains. He’s every QB’s dream; he makes their job so easy. A simple 2-yard dump pass can easily turn out to be a 60-yard touchdown once this kid touches the ball. After all, he’s a man playing among boys. Its halftime and the Fighting Irish of St.Vincent St.Mary’s are up 35-14. Number 23 has 7 receptions for 154 yards and 2 touchdowns.

He slows down in the second half, but not because of any defensive coverage. He takes it easy, knowing his team is winning this one and because he doesn’t want to forcibly embarrass anyone too bad. The Irish win this one on the road with little worry. Right as the final horn sounds, he’s instantly swarmed by fans seeking autographs and media people seeking interviews. Both groups seem to know they are witnessing something special. The average teenager would be overwhelmed by all the hoopla, but this kid keeps his head on his shoulders and handles all the attention with impressive maturity. “We played great tonight,” he says with incredible humbleness. “The team really stepped up and played a good game. We followed coach’s game plan to perfection and came out with a big win.” “Of course, there were a couple mistakes that we’ll have to go over in practice on Monday.” Always the perfectionist.

When observing him at school the next day, it’s clear he isn’t just another student. His classmates treat him like a celebrity, but he tries to stay as normal as possible. It isn’t everyday one of your classmates has to leave Geography class because Sports Illustrated is waiting in the gymnasium to do a photo shoot. Through it all he manages to stay humble. He gives all the perfect, almost-scripted answers that professional athletes are usually tutored to give. He knows he’s a big deal, but at the same time he knows how to distance himself from his image. He knows how to just be a teenager as well. When you’re in the limelight all day, every day, and being watched by the public eye, its important to kick back and be a kid once in a while. “I have a couple close friends that I keep close by,” he reveals proudly. “They know what’s best for me and they keep me grounded, I’m not a celebrity with them.”

December 6th, 2002- It’s Friday night, game night at John Cistone Field in Akron. It’s the first round of the playoffs and the Fighting Irish are facing Akron High, a school which boasts 5 division 1 college-bound football players. The Irish have one, maybe. Not every player in the nation has made their final college choice yet, and St.Vincent St.Mary’s star wideout is taking his time. Rumor has it he’s leaning towards signing with Ohio State, that he’s just waiting for the right moment to reveal his pick (like after a playoff win). After all, it is the logical selection. He could choose practically any school he wants, there isn’t a university in the nation that would turn him down. It just so happens that one of the most prestigious and dominant one’s is located right in his backyard. “I wish we could keep him another year, but he’s graduating and anyone who gets him just hit the lottery, let me tell you,” says head coach Dan Boarman.

Last year the wideout finished with just under 40 receptions for over 700 yards in his 6 games played. This year, after growing another inch and adding almost 15 pounds of muscle during the off-season, he’s been good for 52 receptions, 1000 yards, and 15 touchdowns in the same amount of games played. The games missed were just precautionary, making sure he wouldn’t get hurt before getting the chance to go to college. He plays as much as necessary, just enough for the scouts to get a sneak preview of his awesome abilities. Even in the limited action, the stats are mind-blowing. “He’s hands down to best athlete I have ever coached” says coach Boarman. “No, scratch that, the best athlete I have ever seen! And I’ve seen a ton a players throughout my years in Ohio.” One man sitting in the audience, an Ohio State alumni and die-hard Buckeyes fan, feels the same way: “Imagine this kid playing a full season in a real big time college system? I can’t wait. I’m seriously giddy.” As he should be. As we should all be.

The playoff game gets underway at around 7:15 pm. A once confident St.Vincent St.Mary’s team realizes that they can’t win against the good teams by just relying on one player, even if that one player is good for 214 yards and three touchdowns in the contest. The rest of the team does little to help the cause while Akron High proves their overall superiority in a 42-28 route. The crowd is upset yet optimistic. This is just the end of a chapter. The prologue to what should be a historic tale of one of their own. As the Fighting Irish leave the field, their green and gold jerseys now covered in brown mud, it’s clear they have no fight left. The season is over, and for many, this will be the last time they will be on a football field as a competitor. For one, it’s only the beginning. “We played a good game,” he says. “I got to give it up to my teammates. I love these guys.” And how about college? What’s the next step for you? “Right now I just want to sit back and weigh my options.” A high school senior, yet always a businessman.

The days go by, then the weeks. Almost every player in the nation has announced their college choice by now. One kid has not. Football fans around town haven’t seen or heard from him much anymore. The website message boards are beginning to buzz. What could be taking so long?
Eventually the final signing date passes and the kid has not committed anywhere. In fact, he’s basically fallen off the map within football circles. Its funny how quickly people forget and move on. It’s always “what have you done for me lately?” when it comes to fan support.

Today, more than six years later, people in Akron still have fond memories of the once-prolific receiver that graced their field. The stories resonate through sports bars and cafeterias, making him somewhat of an urban legend within the community. People close to him claim that he went off to pursue a dream, forgetting about college altogether. It begs the question, what could possibly be the ‘real’ dream of possibly the greatest receiver in football history with all the doors open and opportunities available to him? Gloria, his mother, tries to defend her boy, saying “he loved football with all his heart, but truthfully, his goal was never to become a football player.” One NFL scout, who asked to remain anonymous, calls it “selfish”. “He could have been one of the best receivers this league has ever seen. To deprive the league, the fans, and the sports itself of a gift like that is wrong. He was put on this earth to play football and he just chose not to.”

Wherever he is now, he can take solace in the fact that he is not completely forgotten. His legend certainly lives on way after he decided to hang up his size 15 Nike cleats. Coach Boarman has seen many kids come and go over the years, he’s brought his team back to the playoffs several times, he’s had kids go off to play for Division 1 colleges, and yet he’s never heard of or seen another specimen quite like he had a couple years ago. “He was just awesome,” the coach proclaims. “There may be good players, there may even be great players, but I know for a fact there will never be another player quite like LeBron. I guess we’re just lucky to have all been witnesses while it lasted.”

-The End-